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2011年10月24日 星期一

經典笑話:老婆對付出軌老公的絕招

經典笑話:老婆對付出軌老公的絕招


2011-10-21 02:05 轉載文章 我要參與(77)

1、一女子對出軌的老公說:“你如果敢離婚娶那個年輕的妖精,我就嫁給妖精她爹,從此以後,兒子管你叫姐夫,你得喊我媽!”

老公當場暈​​倒,從此規規矩矩。

2、領導攜夫人參觀豬廠,場長介紹:這良種公豬每天交配兩次。夫人碰領導:你看人家。第二圈場長介紹:這頭公豬每天可交配四次。夫人怒視領導:你看人家。到第三圈,場長說這頭每天可以交配八次。夫人擰領導兩下:你好好看看人家!領導問場長:都和一頭母豬?答:都不同母豬。領導對夫人說:你看看人家

3、認識個姑娘,網名三長兩短。我說你就不能改個吉利點的網名兒?丫很快回我:“我有五個男人,我現在…”

我打斷了她,我說那你忙吧,我懂了…

4、樓主: 無厘頭科學:男性最喜歡女性呈現漏斗形身材 :

回复:因為漏斗下面是個洞?

5、村長:“本村計劃生育工作的難度一直很大。”

記者:“為什麼?”

村長:“兩年前村子旁邊修了鐵路,每天早上五點火車準時經過,汽笛一響,全村的人就都醒了。這個鐘點,你說起來吧,太早;你說接著睡吧,時間又太短……”

6、一男養了一頭豬,特煩它,就想把它給扔了,但是此豬認得回家的路,扔了好多次都沒有成功。某日,此人駕車棄豬,當晚打電話給他的妻子問:“豬歸否?”其妻曰:“歸矣.”男非常氣憤,大吼道:“MD,快讓它接電話,我迷路了。。。”

7、A:你喜歡我哪一點

B:我喜歡你離我遠一點!

8、一日看某女男友的狀態,浪漫的寫著:你五毛我五毛,那麼咱倆就能一塊了!眾人羨慕之時,另一女說到:你六毛我六毛咱倆就能一塊2了…再另一女接到:你七毛我七毛,咱倆就能一塊死了…

(責任編輯:郝保明)

2011年10月20日 星期四

十二星座笑話

白羊座








媽媽經常叮囑羊羊:“穿裙子時不可以盪鞦韆;不然,會被小男生看到裡面的小內褲哦!”






有一天,羊羊高興地對媽媽說:“今天我和小明比賽盪鞦韆,我贏了!”






媽媽生氣地說:“不是告訴過你嗎?穿裙子時不要盪鞦韆!”






羊羊驕傲地說:“可是我好聰明哦!我把裡面的小內褲脫掉了,這樣他就看不到我的小內褲了!”






(勇敢直率、敢做敢為的白羊)






金牛座






賣瓜小販:“快來吃西瓜,不甜不要錢!”






飢渴的牛牛:“哇!太好了,老闆,來個不甜的!”






(持家、想出軌又顧全自己的金牛)






雙子座






媽媽叫雙雙起床:“快點起來!公雞都叫好幾遍了!”






雙雙說:“公雞叫和我有什麼關係?我又不是母雞!”






(自我意識強烈、自行思維的雙子)






巨蟹座






公車上,蟹蟹說:“今晚我要和媽媽睡!”






媽媽問道:“你將來娶了媳婦也和媽媽睡阿?”






蟹蟹不假思索:“嗯!”






媽媽又問:“那你媳婦怎麼辦?”






蟹蟹想了半天,說:“好辦,讓她跟爸爸睡!”






媽媽:“!@#$%︿&*(……—”






再看爸爸,已經熱淚盈眶啦!






(戀母情結、依戀的巨蟹)






獅子座






獅獅去參加奶奶的壽宴。到了吃壽包的時候,獅獅問:“我們為什麼要吃這種像屁股的壽包?”






眾人聽了臉色大變。






接著獅獅撥開壽包,看看裡面的豆沙,說:“奶奶,快看!裡面還有大便!”






眾人暈的暈,吐的吐。






(以自我感受、不怕旁人眼光的驕傲的獅子)






處女座






處處對肚臍很好奇,就問爸爸。






爸爸把臍帶連著胎兒與母體的道理簡單地講了一下,說:“嬰兒離開母體之後,醫生把臍帶減斷,並打了一個結,後來就成了肚臍。”






處處:“那醫生為什麼不打個蝴蝶結?”






(好奇心強又追求完美的處女)






天秤座 (Princess的星座喲)






父親對天天說:“今天不要上學了,昨晚...你媽給你生了兩個弟弟。你給老師說一下就行了。”






天天卻回答:“爸爸,我只說生了一個;另一個,我想留著下星期不想上時再說!”






(聰明、權衡利弊的天平) 我怎麼沒覺得???






天蠍座






蠍蠍剛睡著,就叫蚊子叮了一口。






他起來趕蚊子,卻怎麼也趕不出去。沒法,便指著蚊子說:“好吧,你不出去我出去!”邊說邊出了房間,把門使勁關嚴得意地說:“哼!我今晚不進屋,非你你餓死不可!”






(搞不懂、不按常理出牌的天蠍)






射手座






射射:“爸爸,為什麼你有那麼多白頭髮?”






爸爸:“因為你不乖,所以爸爸有好多白頭髮阿。”






射射:……(疑惑中)






射射:“那為什麼爺爺全部都是白頭髮?”






爸爸:!@#$%︿&*(……






(喜歡思考的射手)






摩羯座






一天,羯羯跟媽媽上街;走在路上,突然下起雨來。






媽媽拉過羯羯的小手,說:“下雨了,快往前跑阿!”






羯羯慢條斯理地問:“那前面就不下雨嘍!?”






(明白現實懶得改變的摩羯)






水瓶座






瓶瓶問媽媽:“問什麼稱蔣先生為『先人』?”






媽媽說:“因為'先人'是對死去的人的稱呼。”






瓶瓶說:“那去世的奶奶是不是要叫『鮮奶』?”






(天生的另類、腦筋思考永遠和常人不一樣的水瓶)






雙魚座






爸爸給魚魚講小時候經常挨餓的事。






聽完後,魚魚兩眼含淚,十分同情地問:“哦,爸爸,你是因為沒飯吃才來我們家的嗎?”






(富含豐富同情心、不分情況對象的雙魚)






(責任編輯:郝保明)

2011年10月16日 星期日

5 Tips From Early Retirees

At 31, Robert Charlton had grown disillusioned with his job as a technical writer. "The idea of doing a desk job for another 30 years seemed painful to me, so I came up with this idea of trying to retire before 45," he says. He shared the idea with his wife Robin, who was then 31 and working as a travel agent.






More from USNews.com:



• 12 Money Mistakes Almost Everyone Makes



• 10 Ways to Improve Your Finances in 2011



• A Financial Checklist for 30-Somethings





Robert read up on personal finance instead of hiring an adviser and looked at taxable accounts they could draw from before turning 60. During that period, Robin completed an accelerated nursing program to become a registered nurse. By age 43, they'd gone from $16.88 in their checkbook at age 28 to saving up enough money to leave both their jobs and live off the interest.



Now, years later, they travel the world, skydiving in New Zealand, hiking through India, sailing through the Chilean fjords, and documenting their adventures on their website, wherewebe.com. Although many people struggle to retire in their 50s or 60s, Robert believes it's possible for others to retire early as he and his wife did. "Really, we're very average people," he says, admitting that it's harder, though not impossible, for those with kids. "We never had power jobs. We just both took intelligent steps." Here are some of those steps.



1. Cut housing costs. The Charltons spent a year carefully tracking their spending to see where they could cut back. But as Robert says, "the truth of the matter is, we really didn't have that much fat to cut out." Still, they agreed to rent out half of the bi-level starter home they owned in Boulder, Colo., so they could pay off the mortgage and pad their savings. Switching from a 30-year to a 15-year mortgage also helped the couple reach their goal. "You save so much on interest that it does result in a higher monthly payment, but not as high you would think," says Robert. They later sold their house and put the equity into a bond fund.







Robert and Robin Charlton (Photo courtesy of Robert Charlton)





2. Agree on your priorities. Instead of buying new cars, the couple kept their old ones, and Robin stuck to grocery shopping lists instead of buying whatever caught her eye. "That's how he shopped [without sticking to the list] so he was cut off from shopping," she says. Keeping their shared goal in mind kept their eyes on the prize. "We were both on the same page," adds Robin. "We both knew we wanted to put the money towards experiences." However, because they value travel so much, the Charltons didn't completely deprive themselves while saving up for retirement. As Robert says, it's important to "balance living for tomorrow with living for today." If saving feels like too much of a chore, it's easy to fall of the bandwagon.



3. Live below your means. Now that they've left the workforce, the Charltons live modestly by staying in hostels and focusing on less expensive travel destinations. They estimated needing between $30,000 and $40,000 annually, and they've managed to stay in that range, though they're averaging closer to $40,000. Earlier this year, they splurged on a trip to Italy and Switzerland for their 25th wedding anniversary. However, Robert says, "we typically have tried to travel places where the dollar goes further, like Argentina and Chile, where the exchange rate was in our favor." Destinations like India and Nepal have higher airfare but low day-to-day expenses so they stay for several months at a time to balance out the airfare costs.



4. Stay in the game. Although the Charltons' portfolio has had its ups and downs, they've resisted the urge to try to time the stock market or get out altogether. "We did some of our best investing during the bear market of 2000 to 2002," says Robert. "We bought stocks 'on sale' and reaped the rewards afterwards." Although he says they could have gotten a higher return on investment if the timing had been different, they also underestimated future earnings, so that helped them reach their target more quickly than planned.



5. Don't rule out temporary work. Dips in the market have made it more challenging for the Charltons to live off their interest. So when Robert was offered a six-month consulting project in 2009, he jumped at the opportunity to rebuild their capital. Although he'd once dreaded going to work, he actually liked the temporary arrangement. "I genuinely enjoyed working hard during that window because I knew it wasn't endless, which was the thing I found challenging early on when I first came up with this plan," he says.



Robin adds that they're open to making adjustments as they go or returning to work if needed. However, she values the chance to travel and be active while they're young and healthy. "Working as a nurse, I realize so many people save so much and a lot of people don't get all the years they thought they'd get," she says.